Our top moments of the week:
14. Best Battle: When Tessa calls Dahlia dumb on Suburgatory, the two decide to settle the matter with... a hip-hop dance-off? As their parents watch, they argue about parenting, which leads to their own dance off: Dallas moon-walks and George break-dances. Can't you guys just go to therapy like normal people?
13. Worst First Impression: On the season premiere of The Bachelor, one woman proves that sometimes you can be a little too forward. Ashley pulls a tie out of her cleavage upon meeting Sean and references 50 Shades of Grey. Later, she booty-dances in front of him while he's talking to another girl. But don't worry; Sean is prepared! "I've got my rape whistle just in case," he jokes.
12. Best Bait-and-Switch: Diane and Will celebrate a big win on The Good Wife when they successfully block their bank-appointed trustee, Clarke Hayden, from having them removed as managers of the firm. Their victory lap is short: Master manipulator Louis Canning (Michael J. Fox) soon tells Alicia that he was the one to purchase Lockhart Gardner's debt. Come back, Clarke!
11. Some Things Never Change Award: Mona is on a mission when she returns to school on Pretty Little Liars. While everyone falls for Mona's contrite video blog, she's actually setting up the girls for a major fall when she frames them for a fiery explosion that traps their teacher (and Aria's dad's ex).
10. Biggest Letdown: After years of playing romantic tug-of-war, Matthew and Mary finally get married on Downton Abbey. At least that's what they tell us; we don't actually see the wedding. We appreciate the lingering shots of Mary dolled up in her dress, but couldn't we have seen the "I dos"? The kiss? Anything?
9. Best Revenge: Bloody Face finally gets a, well, real bloody face on American Horror Story: Asylum. After Lana escapes from Briarcliff, she turns over evidence against Dr. Thredson and decides to wait for him with only a gun at his home. Once he points out that he'll spend his whole life in an asylum, rather than get the electric chair, Lana can't stand for that kind of injustice and shoots him in cold blood self-defense before the police arrive. Too bad she still has his baby!
8. Best Wake-Up Call: Just when Sally Langston is close to uncovering the truth -- that Mellie forged Fitz's signature on his request for reinstatement letter while he was unconscious -- Scandal's POTUS wakes up! Naturally, the first person he wants to see is... Olivia! Let the 'shippers run wild!
7. Closed Book Award: After Beckett and Rick's ex-wife Meredith (Darby Stanchfield) bond on Castle, Beckett works up the nerve to ask her why they divorced. Meredith explains that while being married to Castle was exciting at first, she later realized that he wasn't an open book, so to speak. "One day I realized, he knew everything about me: my deepest secrets, my worst pain, enough to fill a million novels. But I didn't even know enough about him to write a pamphlet," she says, noting how Castle always deflected a question about his MIA dad with a joke. Noticing Beckett's concerned look, Meredith says that she's sure Castle has changed since then. Uh, not really. But what a convenient set-up for this.
6. Biggest Bombshell: As if the Braverman clan hasn't been through enough already on Parenthood — Kristina's breast cancer, Julia's adoption problems, we could go on and on — producers shock viewers when Drew's girlfriend Amy has an abortion — against his wishes. Then she breaks up with him. Ouch!
5. Best Surprise: TBS pulls out all the stops for its Cougar Town premiere with a special appearance by Busy Philipps' Dawson's Creek co-star and real-life BFF Michelle Williams who dons dark eyeliner, a cleavage-revealing top and a Southern accent to play Laurie's foster sister. Check it: She nails Laurie's signature line: "What-What!" Can Katie Holmes do that?
4. Saddest Goodbye: After Ziva (unsuccessfully) gives chase to the shooter on NCIS, she returns to the Vances' home to find out that her estranged father, Eli, has died. She embraces his body and repeatedly cries out "Abba" (Hebrew for "Dad"). It's all the more heartbreaking as she had just told him that they would never reconcile because of his own history of homicide.
3. Strangest Rant: Piers Morgan invites radio host Alex Jones, the man who launched a White House petition to deport the CNN host, to his show for a debate on gun control -- or at least that's what he planned. Morgan appears gobsmacked when Jones launches into a bizarre, longwinded tirade about not only guns, but "megabanks that control the planet" and Prozac (or as Jones calls them "suicide mass murder pills"), before threateningly telling the Brit what would happen if guns were illegal. "Hitler took the guns! Stalin took the guns! Mao took the guns! Fidel Castro took the guns! Hugo Chavez took the guns!" he bellows. "And I'm here to tell you that 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms! ... That's why you're going to fail, and the establishment knows, no matter how much propaganda, the republic will rise again!" OK, then. Unfortunately for Jones, Morgan is not going anywhere.
2. Worst Overshare: Giving a new meaning to TMI, Al Roker inexplicably decides to share on Dateline that in 2002, he soiled himself at The White House, shortly after having gastric-bypass surgery. "I probably went off and ate something I wasn't supposed to. And as I'm walking to the press room, [I'm thinking], well, I gotta pass a little gas here. I'm walking by myself. Who's gonna know? Only a little something extra came out," he says. "I pooped my pants." If only that were the end of the story. But he went on: "So I got to the restroom of the press room, threw out the underwear and you know, went commando." Hey Al, next time, give us the news, not the weather.
1. Best Saving Face: On the eve of Bailey's wedding, Adele is rushed to the hospital on Grey's Anatomy. Blushing bride Bailey forgets her wedding bells for a moment and goes to work to save her mentor's Alzheimer's-ridden wife. The surgery is successful and just when we think Shonda Rhimes had changed her mind about Adele's fate, Webber shows up to Bailey's reception with a frozen smile, unable to break the news that Adele had died of a heart attack during the ceremony.
What were your top moments?
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