I almost feel sorry for the Housewives-grubbing Kim G. She will stop at nothing to be a "Real Housewife of New Jersey," be it consorting with Desperate Danielle Staub, leaching onto Jacqueline Laurita or tossing hand grenades into Christmas parties. She should lay off the collagen while she's at it. Face it, Kim G., your mug just ain't going in those opening credits.
It's Christmas in July and Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice are trimming their trees. Bankrupt Teresa is down to just one 20-foot tree this year (after all, it's about cutting back during the lean times) while Melissa confers with her Christmas tree decorator about adorning her two trees. Melissa is also preparing for her upcoming Christmas party and she's nervous about what Teresa's husband, Joe, might pull. Considering he played a big part in the Christening Brawl, I can see her point. Teresa's hesitant to attend the bash because of the "bad energy" her sister-in-law spreads around instead of the traditional Christmas cheer. A weary Teresa finally understands the pain of being Brad and Angelina and wants to know when the tabloid stories will stop. Well, Teresa, stop being on a reality TV show. You see how well it worked for Danielle Staub.
Whiny Ashley has a birthday and Jacqueline gives her a small gift of a necklace meant to provide love and light that she picked up from her psychic. The Jeep, after all was the big present. The Manzo cousins are incredulous that Ashley would be rewarded with a car after she screwed up the last one, but uncle Chris just wants his stepdaughter to love him. Even though Chris wants to lavish cars upon Ashley and Jacqueline has been the parent who's always been around, Ashley's loyalty and respect goes to her absentee Dad. Go figure. During her birthday dinner, a surly Ashley is texting the whole time before finally giving a nice toast about her family. Yea, I still don't like her.
Fabulous Fred is in the house! Need I say more? He's the preeminent party planner in New Jersey and Melissa Gorga's got him on lockdown for her soiree. Nothing is too good for Jesus' birthday. Including a blackjack table. Fabulous Fred has to school Melissa and Brother Joe about how parties are done. Sweaty roly poly waiters will cost you $5. But hot, gorgeous waiters will cost you $25. Which would you prefer? The tab will come to $50,000 and I'm just glad it's 50G's spent on adults, not a so-called three-year old's birthday party like that silly gal, Taylor Armstrong threw on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."
Caroline Manzo and husband, Albert, go diamond shopping. No scratch that, they're buying some unity bracelets for their kids and even the jewelry-phobic Albert would wear them. Caroline and Albert are good parents, they've got good kids. Where's their parenting book?
Party people are in the house and everyone is as twitchy as a cat on a Ferris wheel. Husband Joe will Van Damme anyone that looks cross-eyed at his nutjob wife. Kathy Wilkie will be cordial to her cousin, Teresa, and hopes they can start to mend fences. Chris, Albie, Lauren and roommate, Greg are duly impressed with the Gorga manse and everyone pimps and preens on the step and repeat. Really? A step and repeat? Kathy approaches Teresa and Husband Joe and true to her word, is cordial. She lets Teresa know it's nice to see her and a snotty Teresa responds "now it's nice to see me?" Kathy is like a deer in the headlights as she takes in Teresa's attitude. Uh oh. She pulls husband, Rich, aside and calls herself a fool for even trying. She and Rich are both riled up now and put Teresa further up on their enemies list. Melissa tells Kathy not to cry anymore about Teresa. Because really, haven't we all cried enough?
Things really get going when Melissa's brother-in-law corners Husband Joe about the thousand bucks he owes him. Husband Joe asks him to call him later, since it's not the time or the place and an incensed Teresa runs to Melissa to tattle about the incident. Melissa confronts her brother-in-law, wondering if he's crazy (probably) and tells him to knock it off.
But, oh, folks, the real show is about to begin. Kim G. just pulled up with Teresa's latest nemesis, Monica, in tow. Everyone freezes like those ice sculptures out on the lawn and Husband Joe warns Teresa not to start any trouble. Kim G. flounces in like she owns the joint and Teresa and Husband Joe inform Melissa and Brother Joe either that Monica chick goes, or they go. A resigned Melissa pulls Kim G. to the side and lays it on the line: Monica can't stay. Well, Kim G.'s just not having it. She puts her feet in cement and refuses to ask Monica to vamoose.
Brother Joe gets in the act and to his credit, he keeps his cool. He doesn't care what happened. Bottom line, Teresa's his sister and Monica has got to go. Kim G. tries to tell Brother Joe who he can and can't have in his house and then begs him to stay, so long as they keep their distance from Teresa. That broad gives new meaning to "chutzpa." Jacqueline comes in and confronts Kim G. about stirring the pot. Monica makes her entrance and tries to plead her case, but the Gorgas won't budge. Monica decides to bow out gracefully and Melissa locks the door behind her '" classic! Ah, but Kim G. is worked up now and she's determined to act as big a fool as possible in front of Bravo's cameras, in yet another ill-advised attempt to get them to change their mind about adding her to the Housewives brew.
Next week, Caroline gets involved and Chris steps in.
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- Danielle Staub
- Jacqueline Laurita
- Christmas tree