'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Bring Their Lame Game

Mean Girls, Desserts and a Whole Lotta Whine

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THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Kyle Richards
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THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Kyle Richards

Well. Add Game Night to the list of events to be avoided at all costs on a "Real Housewives" show. Dinner parties, christenings and Posche fashion shows are just some of the many soirees in this franchise guaranteed to dissolve into a hot mess. After watching Lame Game Night at Dana Wilkey's house turn into a scene from "Mean Girls" with Kyle Richards and Kim Richards in starring roles, I was ready to bash my bottle of "Bitch" wine over my TV.

Let's start with the pleasant news. Lisa Vanderpump is cooking up a storm in anticipation of a small dinner party with her daughter, Pandora, her boyfriend, Jason, and his family. As we all know, Jason asked Ken Todd for Pandora's hand in marriage a few episodes back, but asked him to keep it secret from Lisa. Lisa thinks they're just having a lovely little dinner, but it's really to reveal their engagement. Pandora wants Giggy to be the ring bearer and as they all chowed down at dinner, I had to wonder if Giggy will get his own table at the wedding. The whole thing was quite lovely and a nice counterpoint to the lunacy of Lame Game Night.

Taylor Armstrong dons her Laura Ashley apron and has Dana over to help her bake cookies, though all Dana did was stand around and wonder what the various cooking utensils were for. Taylor and Dana had talked about doing a Game Night for the Housewives. Taylor just isn't up for hosting, especially because her life is so heavy at the moment and can't deal with "planning and hanging." Honestly. Bravo couldn't edit that one out? Event planner, Dana, is happy to play hostess, her mind brimming with ideas for bringing the theme to life. Namely, she will only have desserts and alcohol, because that's not a recipe for disaster at all.

Kyle and Adrienne Maloof meet for lunch and Adrienne is curious what Kyle thinks about Brandi Glanville. Kyle's not digging the new Housewife in town and remains appalled by her son peeing on the grass. Kyle admits that as the mother of four girls, she's not attuned to the habit little boys have of whipping their penises out and peeing at random. Adrienne is a little more forgiving and also wants to discuss Kim. She tells a tense Kyle about Kim's loopiness in Sacramento and that her hubby, Paul, thought Kim was wasted. Kim sticks up for her sister, suggesting perhaps she was just tired. Adrienne admits she has a hard time in general with Kim because of the way she rambles and Kyle confesses Kim's…shall we say…idiosyncrasies stress her out. Enter Helicopter sister.

Adrienne is making the rounds as she and Brandi meet for milkshakes and cappuccinos. Adrienne tries to encourage Brandi not to let the other girls bring her down and tells her to toughen up. Brandi admits she was out of line with Dana at the BBQ and says the other Housewives have no idea what she's going through. Um, hello, Camille Grammer? Adrienne urges Brandi to show her fun side, which will thaw out the other Housewives.

Dana. Dana, Dana, Dana. I am not a fan. The name-dropping. The price-dropping. The unfavorable comparisons I'm drawing to her and Season One Silex (That's Alex McCord and Simon Van Kempen from "The Real Housewives of New York City," for the uninitiated.) And she's a crappy hostess to boot. Kyle is the first to arrive for Lame Game Night and while Dana is bragging about her Valentino lace shorts and Fendi shoes, Kyle's perfectly happy with her Target ensemble.

Brandi's the next to arrive and while Dana teeters around in her Fendis, Kyle watches the door like a hawk, waiting for another Housewife to come in and save her from having to suck the same oxygen as Brandi. Camille wins the prize and Kyle all but flies into her arms from relief. Camille is a little put out with Dana's hostessing skills. Where are the chairs? Where's the table? Why are there only a mountain of desserts and piddly little breadsticks to eat? Adrienne bails and a nervous Brandi feels like the last egg on the shelf. It won't be long before she gets hurled to the floor.

Kim shows up in rare form tonight. She keeps calling Dana "Pam," whoever that is, and makes a beeline for the bathroom. A worried Kyle follows her "tired and disheveled" sister to "spruce her up." Kim reveals she's been suffering from near-debilitating panic attacks and she's about thisclose to going headlong off the cliff. Kyle shares her dislike of Brandi and so of course because Kim's a good sister, now SHE doesn't like Brandi. Kim is also distressed about Dana's dirty bathroom and spends five minutes spit-shining the mirror.

Dana spends all her time cozying up to Camille and angling for an invite to her house in Hawaii. Kim's mental state becomes precarious as she makes multiple trips to the bathroom, with Kyle hot on her heels. Kyle checks her coffee for booze (all clear), but Brandi's sure she's pretty wasted.

Things go from bad to worse when Brandi and the Richards Sisters wind up on a team together. Kim even goes so far as to tell Brandi she doesn't like her and doesn't want to be on a team with her. Kim and Kyle activate their Wonder Twin powers and giggle like schoolgirls over their inside jokes, leaving teammate Brandi out in the cold. During trip No. 10,000 to the bathroom, Brandi tries to coax Camille into agreeing with her that Kim is on a serious bender. Camille doesn't take the bait, but says she knows what it's like to be the butt of the Richards Sisters ire.

Dana meanwhile is "really far up Kim and Kyle's asses," (probably because she wants an invite to Paris Hilton's next party), that she sits by like a spectator at a tennis match when things really get going between Brandi and the Richards Sisters. Kim hides Brandi's crutches (flat-out mean) and tells her she's a "ho" for wearing short shorts. Hmm. Dana/Pam was wearing short shorts, and let's be frank, isn't really rocking them. I guess because she fawned all over Kim and Kyle, she gets a pass.

Kyle wants to test out Brandi's IQ and that becomes the new gal's tipping point. Why is Kyle picking on her IQ? Because she's blonde? Um, being one of like 20 blondes in the room, you're not making a good case for yourself, Brandi. Camille plays peacemaker while Dana pours herself another drink and wonders how she can get Adrienne to take her for a spin on her private plane.

Next time, Brandi throws down her crutches, Lisa plans a wedding and Kim takes a walk down memory lane.

More From This Contributor:

'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Get Raw

'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' Set it Off

'The Real Housewives of New York City' Don't Play Nice

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