Playtime is Over on 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey'

Interventions, Recording Sessions and Shopping Expeditions

Yahoo Contributor Network
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY -- Season:3 -- Pictured: (l-r) Jacqueline Laurita, Teresa Giudice, Caroline Manzo, Kathy Wakile, Melissa Gorga

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THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY -- Season:3 -- Pictured: (l-r) Jacqueline Laurita, Teresa Giudice, …

What is there to say about that whiny, ungrateful brat Ashley? Does she cringe like the rest of America when she hears the atrocities that come out of her mouth? Does she hide her face in shame now that she's seen just how mean-spirited the attacks are that she lobs against her sweet mama, Jacqueline Laurita? Does she realize EVERYONE in her family thinks she's kind of a joke? Does she realize how asinine she sounds? Sadly, probably not. All she does is make America want to wrap its arms even tighter around Jacqueline and protect her from her viper of a daughter.

Jacqueline is at her wits end with Ashley and how could she not be? The girl couldn't even be bothered to get her a card for Christmas. Jacqueline decides to pull out the big gun and lassos Ashley's dad and stepmom to New Jersey for a Texas-sized intervention. The pair surprise Ashley at a local bar, who thinks she needs to take them sightseeing, but they've got other plans. Dad makes it clear she knows EXACTLY what she's been up to (or not up to, as the case may be). Even the Manzo kids think she's a hot mess and a half, calling her "lazy" with "no ambition." Ashley just continues to turn to twirl her hair nonchalantly around her finger, upset because everyone knows she can't rock a hat like the Gorga family.

Over in her McMansion, Teresa Giudice is trying desperately to showcase her "amazing family" by taking photos for her next cookbook. Except nobody's trying to put their best face forward. Holy terror Milania is crabby as always. Even our budding little superstar, Gia, is unable to muster much love and affection for Mother Teresa, though pro that she is, when the flashbulb pops, she's all smiles. It takes hours and hours to get the pictures and I think Teresa should be glad nobody got ticked off enough to dump a pot of sauce on her.

Teresa's cousin, Kathy Wakile, has her own family issues to contend with. Her daughter, Victoria, is getting older, and Kathy is nervous about the vultures sure to come circling the nest. Hubby Rich is in denial, figuring the thought of his mug as he pummels any boy who comes near his daughter should be enough to keep Victoria in a chastity belt until she's 80. Kathy knows better and wants to have a serious talk with Victoria about the consequences of sex. Later, mother and daughter go shopping for a junior prom dress. Thank God there's more than just Posche in that town, though with a name like "The Fig Leaf," you gotta figure these dresses don't leave much to the imagination. And indeed, every dress Victoria tries on gives Kathy hives. In fact, she's so worried, she's compelled to try and give Victoria "the talk" right in the middle of the store. Victoria blows it off, saying there's a reason she's got a Black Belt. Well -- 'nuf said.

The other thorn in Teresa's side, sister-in-law, Melissa Gorga, has a confab with her sisters about Teresa's snotty attitude during the play date with the kids. She does a dead-on imitation of Mrs. Giudice and reveals that because Teresa makes her parents recipes and not her own, she's not even sure how much she enjoys cooking. After the Teresa-bashing is done, Melissa's sisters deliver a message from a "median" they stopped to see on the way over. According to what their late-great, uncle Anthony told the "median" (Melissa really does mangle her words, doesn't she?) Melissa is headed for stardom.

Gosh darn if I can't get that stupid "On Display" ditty out of my head. Much like all these Housewives tunes, they stick in your head like taffy. The Soul Diggaz are ready to cut the track and are duly impressed with the studio Brother Joe has constructed. They command Melissa to get inside the booth and make it do what it do. Granted, she's not the disaster Kim Zolciak was, but she's not hitting any of her notes. Brother Joe tries to motivate Melissa to sing so it turns him on, which does the trick. She rocks it out and the Soul Diggaz are pleased with Melissa's progress. She thanks Jesus, but as the Soul Diggaz remind her, she should be thanking Brother Joe instead

Caroline Manzo is a lot of things, but a kick boxer isn't one of them. However, for her daughter's low self-esteem, she will take up a class. Except Caroline doesn't know a bob and weave from a jab and cross. And she doesn't want to. I think she just showed up to look cute and drink water, but doesn't do any serious work. Jacqueline, on the other hand, delivers several swift kicks to the punching bag and I have to wonder if she's envisioning Ashley's face there.

Jacqueline makes a last-ditch effort to get through to her daughter, as the four parents meet up for brunch for part two of the intervention. The quartet agree Ashley needs to stop drinking and partying and that it's time for a serious kick in the pants. Ashley's not concerned with that though. She wants to go to L.A. Just so she can say she was in L.A. for a year. Get a job? Save up money? Why should she do that - surely one of these four parents will fund her pleasure cruise.

Except the bank vaults are now closed. She starts yammering on about beauty school (does anyone else hear the strains of "Beauty School Dropout" in the background?) and not liking the work Lauren hired her for and on and on and on. She then turns her ire on Jacqueline, declaring that at least SHE never had a kid at 20. Ouch. Her dad rips into her about disrespecting Jacqueline, including the absence of a Christmas gift. Even Chris is tired of giving and not getting. Finally, Jacqueline can take it no more and runs out in tears. A sobbing, broken Jacqueline doesn't know where she went wrong and tries to understand why Ashley hates her so much. Chris comforts his wife and tells her it's time to let Ashley's dad handle it.

Next time, Jacqueline kicks Ashley to the curb, Kathy has a taste test and it's time for Teresa to pay the piper.

More From This Contributor:

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"The Real Housewives of New York City:" Bethenny and Jill are Down For the Count

"The Real Housewives of New York City" Deliver a Message

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