Say What?! The Olsen Twins Say They Quit Acting

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The Olsen Twins a 'Pain in the Ass'?
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The Olsen Twins a 'Pain in the Ass'?

This may be the most depressing thing I’ve heard since Elliot Stabler turned in his badge on Law & Order: SVU! In Elle UK’s April issue, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen tell the mag that they are through with acting.

In the interview, Ashley says, "I don't have to be a pretty face. I've done that, but now it's important and liberating to be on the other side of the lens. I don't like to be the center of attention anymore.” While fraternal twin Mary-Kate said, "Just felt right to move away [from the spotlight]."

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Noooooo! This can NOT be happening!! I love the Olsen Twins – and ya know what? I love the Olsen Twins’ movies! Where would I be without their hijinx in setting their dad up with the free-spirited babysitter in Two of a Kind? How would I know how to stop an evil future stepmother if I hadn’t seen It Takes Two? How would I have known that witches, even if they are related to us, our not our friends if it weren’t for Double, Double, Toil and Trouble?! How could I have grown into the mischievous woman I am today without that loveable Michelle Tanner and her constant "You got it dudes," on Full House? And if Winning London hadn’t been in my life, I probably wouldn’t know how hot and easy it was to find international love with a foreigner. Look people, I am a sentimental lady – and these two shaped my formative years! I know I am usually a surly, sarcastic ass, (my friend Luis tells me daily -- 'cause he is an ass too), but my dismay is for realsies! I love the Olsen Twins! I love 'em so much just want to smoosh their smooshed-in faces!

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Yes, the pint-sized Olsen Twins look like little troll dolls. Yes, they remind me of little Gremlin (technically Mogwai) creatures with their big eyes and small frames. And yes, I still can not figure out which one is which for the life of me! But I still love them! And despite rumors in their past of of drug abuse, anorexia, and dressing like hobos, I happen to think they are adorable. Although I may be biased because the Olsen Twins (and Kimmy Gibbler) are my celeb doppelgangers.

Look, I get that Ashley hasn’t appeared onscreen since New York Minute bit the big one in 2004 and Mary-Kate hasn’t done too much other than a short stint on Weeds in 2007 and a small role in the oh-so-terrible Beastly in 2011, but I thought maybe this off-camera sabbatical was just a break before they took their acting career to the extreme. I have so longed for them to light up the silver screen once more and had hoped that they were gearing up to take on some amazing, new, yet-to-be-made film roles. I’ve often dreamed of a world in which the sisters star in a buddy comedy called Hey SistaFriend, where they find a magical amulet and switch lives with two African-American sisters and, after much struggle, both sets of siblings have a new sense of understanding on tolerance, injustice and racial profiling -- before they magically get switched back. I’ve hoped beyond hope that perchance someday those twinsies would possibly do a rom-com called Wife Swap, where the sisters are bored with their own humdrum lives and they decide to switch clothes, trade lives for a day and inadvertently must sleep with each other spouses (in order to keep their trick up) before realizing they had everything they ever wanted already (except they continue to sleep with other’s spouses ‘cause it was fun). I’ve even daydreamed about them venturing into darker territories, ala Thelma & Louise but this one would be called Ethel & Merman, and playing sisters on the lam, hiding from cops, shooting sh*t up and taking names. At one point, they pick up a sexy hitchhiking gigolo and then the sisters take him to a seedy motel and have their way with him before killing him in a sex game gone wrong. Just think of the possibilities!

Let’s be honest, I don’t care what it is. Just put the Olsen Twins in it!

Unfortunately for me it doesn’t look like the Olsen Twins were be returning to any screen – big or small – anytime soon. Currently the sisters are working on their uber-successful clothing lines, Elizabeth & James and The Row. They have also said that they've wanted to have their own individual projects, but Mary-Kate told Elle UK, "nothing would ever split us up …Separate side projects are one thing, but we work better as a team."

Today I mourn the death of a part of my childhood, with the knowkedge that I can never see the monkey-faced Olsens reunite onscreen. I will feast on Capri Sun, pepperoni Bagel Bites and Gushers – watch Full House reruns, remember my youth -- and cross my fingers that they'll reconsider.


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