I wish I could begin this recap with a live performance of Vanessa Williams‘ timeless love song “Save The Best For Last,” because that’s exactly what Game of Thrones did with its June 3 season finale. From the moment Tywin Lannister’s (Charles Dance) horse pooped on the floor of the iron throne room, I knew we were in for some serious s**t. And it did not stink.
Kings Landing shifted like its own game of Jenga this week, beginning with the appointment of Tywin as the new hand of the king. As you can imagine, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) wasn’t pleased — but at least he was alive! The other doozy came when Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) confessed her “love” for Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) and asked to become his wife. You know, while his fiancée Sansa (Sophie Turner) was standing right there. Rude!
Joffrey initially dismissed her cleavage-baring proposal, but the king’s council quickly chimed in with its collective two cents. Cersei (Lena Headey) suggested it would be in Joffrey’s better interest to marry Margaery over the daughter of a convicted traitor — and what do you know, Joffrey listened to his mommy! Fortunately, that creepy friggin’ Petyr Baelish (Aidan Gillen) offered to help Sansa escape, so maybe her life won’t totally suck next season.
Ever the sore loser, Stannis (Stephen Dillane) spent his one finale scene questioning his religion and choking Melisandre (Carice van Houten). But he changed his tune once his busty priestess let him gaze into the fire and see his glorious future. Given her history of magical shadow-baby making, I believe Melisandra really can foresee Stannis’ victory. But given her history of winning battles, I kind of think she’s full of crap. Either way, she’s got fun hair.
The award for creepiest scene of the night goes to Arya’s (Maisie Williams) run-in with her genie of death. He told her that if she ever needed him again, she should ask for him by a different name — I heard “Va-la-mo-koo-less,” but I don’t really speak fluent crazy — then he turned around and revealed a completely different face! Arya remained compose, while the viewers lost their minds.
While Winterfell was burned to the ground, Robb (Richard Madden) married Talisa (Oona Chaplin) and Theon (Alfie Allen) was advised to avoid death by heading to The Wall. Once a gap-toothed coward, always a gap-toothed coward. He sucked Joffrey-style this season.
OK, now let’s get to the person we really care about: Khaleesi!
Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) finally made her way into the House of the Undying, and after a trippy little vision quest — she saw a vacant iron throne, possibly hers, then had an unspeakably beautiful reunion with Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa) and their baby — she found out where her dragons were being held. That creepy warlock Pyat (Ian Hanmore) tried to imprison her along with them, but Daenerys called for her scaly rugrats to burn the bald bastard alive.
Her wrath spread next to Xaro Xhoan (Nonso Anozie), who she locked in a safe — along with his mistress, her handmaiden — after discovering he lied to her about where Qarth’s riches were held. Ordering her people to loot the city of its gold and jewels, Danerys made plans to set off on a new journey by boat. Girl’s got her eye on the throne and I love her for it.
Meanwhile, Daenerys’ little fire breathers couldn’t be heading for the other continent at a more opportune time, as the final moments of the episode revealed an unfathomable army of White Walkers reaching The Wall!
So… that‘s going to suck for everybody.
Once your body recovers from this week’s finale, give my our thoughts: Which of this week’s lesser deaths bummed you out the most? Are you ready to see Daenerys and her dragons own some people? How perfect was her reunion with Drogo? And, um… those White Walkers. Drop your thoughts and theories in a comment below!— Andy Swift
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