Plus, war isn’t just coming… It’s here!
Tyrion’s (Peter Dinklage) life may have become become a twisted re-telling of Pretty Woman, but the May 20 episode of Game of Thrones couldn’t have been less of a romantic comedy. When Tyrion tried to ship Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) off to war, Cersei (Lena Headey) used “his” whore as leverage to keep her son safe. Of course, there’s one very important details Cersei seems to have missed…
She thinks she has Tyrion’s whore-of-choice in her possession, but she actually kidnapped Roz, who appears to be going along with the charade.
But that wasn’t the biggest twist this week’s episode had to offer. That honor goes to the reveal that Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) and Rickon (Art Parkinson) are alive! I assumed Theon (Alfie Allen) didn’t really kill them, but Yara (Gemma Whelan) wasn’t quite as convinced. She paid her brother a visit at Winterfell just to tell him what a stupid c-word he is, which was actually kind of a relief. I was afraid she wanted him to pleasure her on horseback — again.
The other M.I.A. Stark, Arya (Maisie Williams) is now more desperate than ever to protect Robb (Richard Madden) from the Lannister assault. She asked her Genie of Death to whack Tywin (Charles Dance), and when he told her it couldn’t be done, she gave him his own name instead. This led to a new deal in which he would get to keep his life, as long as he helped Arya and her friends escape, which he did — after murking three Lannister guards.
And if you thought Catelyn (Michelle Fairley) was really going to kill Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), sorry, no dice. Robb returned to camp only to discover his mother had released the “King Slayer.” But she didn’t send him off alone! He’s chained up under the watchful eye of Lady Brienne (Gwendoline Christie), who isn’t the least bit amused by Jaime’s little jokes. I know this is a weird thing to say, but I could see those two hooking up in a moment of sheer confusion and desperation. And I’d love every minute of it.
I was afraid we wouldn’t be seeing any of Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) this week — her best stuff is being saved for the end of the season — we were, mercifully, given one scene in Qarth. The khaleesi demanded that Jorah (Iain Glen) take her to see her dragons at the House of the Undying, explaining that they’re the only babies she’ll ever have.
Tyrion and that bitchy eunuch also chatted about Daenerys from across the sea — I’m glad they’re finally recognizing her highness — but apparently aren’t too worried, because it’ll still be years before her dragons are big enough to be feared. (Is it too much to ask for a little time jump here? I need those dragons to be all grown up, like, yesterday.)
FINAL DEATH COUNT: 3… or possibly 4
FINAL BOOB COUNT: 2
This week’s episode wasn’t as exciting as I expected with just two episodes left in the season, but it set the stage for next week’s epic battle. Drop your reaction to this week’s events in the comments section below!