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17 Reasons Kim Kardashian Should Dump Kris Humphries Before Turning 32

Erin Carlson
The Famous: Watching the Watched

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Alo Ceballos/FilmMagic

Today is Kim Kardashian's 31st birthday. Yesterday her husband of two months, Kris Humphries, stoked speculation of a marriage on the rocks when he was spotted carrying boxes out of their New York hotel -- and temporary apartment -- sans wedding ring. Sources tell Page Six that all's well in Kardashianland: the couple held hands at dinner on Wednesday night and are planning to celebrate her birthday in Vegas this weekend.

Given the tabloid drama and on-camera incompatibility issues, we remain skeptical about the Kim-Kris union in the long term. (Good thing there's a prenup.) Behold, 17 reasons why the allegedly unhappily married reality star should probably dump the New Jersey Net before turning 32:

1. The experts predict divorce.

2. Kris, 26, said this on E!'s "Kim's Fairytale Wedding" special: "You're 30 years old, grow up. Grow up."

3. And this: "Four years ago, you sold clothes in the Valley."

4. And this: "I feel like I'm just a roadblock to Kim's perfect wedding."

5. Kim said: "I hate him. Every last thing annoys me."

6. Everybody hates Kris.

7. The University of Kansas basketball coach wanted to recruit him as a teenager, but the team rallied against the idea. They hated him, too.

8. Kris has a noxious barking habit.

9. Kris has trust issues: he once accused Khloe Kardashian of marrying Lamar Odom for nefarious, fame-seeking purposes. Projecting, much?

10. Kris said this to Kim on the teevee: "Maybe you can move to Minnesota with me. ... We can start pumping out babies."

11. No way the high-maintenance, diamond-dripping Kim is ever going to put up with living anywhere other than L.A. or New York. This does not bode well for a traveling basketball wife.

12. Kim said this: "I don't know how Elizabeth Taylor got married so many times."

13. Kim compared herself to Liz Taylor, who got married eight times.

14. Kim, be honest: what you really want to do is eat cake with the girls.

15. Or drink milkshakes with your mom. In Dubai.

16. Or dress like Cher without Kris ruining the shot.

17. Or eat cake, drink milkshakes and dress like Cher with a nice Armenian-American businessman/pro athlete who can keep up with those Kardashians.

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