Jessica Chastain Doesn't Want to Go to Space: 5 Made-Up Reasons as to Why She's So Against It

Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images

Page Six recently had a moment with Interstellar co-star Jessica Chastain, and lobbed the astronomical and metaphysical question as to whether she would like to visit outer space, where much of her new film takes place. Chastain surprisingly replied that she would not, an answer at odds with the narrative of her film: "I like acting [as if] I'm gonna go to space, but I love this planet so much," she said. "I love my friends and family, I don't want to be away from them." It was a quick and heartwarming answer — so pitch-perfectly heartwarming, in fact, that we were nagged by doubt. What if there were other, more dire or mindbending reasons for her desire to stay close to her home planet? We're not saying she's definitely not being truthful, we're just leaving our minds open to these five alternate theories as to why Jessica Chastain might really not want to venture into space. 

 Scenario 1. She's being threatened to be sent to space against her will

Photos: Getty Images
Photos: Getty Images

We can't read her tone in the Page Six quote, but what if it was said with a hint of desperation, as if the party reporter had hit a sore spot? In this scenario, perhaps she recently witnessed some sort of brutal crime perpetrated by a NASA engineer. (You know, like the movie Witness, but with an actress instead of an Amish boy, and scientists gone bad instead of dirty cops.) Imagine this NASA fiend has threatened to stuff her into a rocket and propel her into space if she doesn't keep her mouth shut! She promises over and over, "I won't say anything! You can trust me! Please don't put me in a rocket!" but he still wields the threat. Were this true, you can see why she'd react so strongly to even the hint of leaving the Earth's atmosphere, can't you? This seemingly innocuous reporter could actually be working for the NASA creep, and delivering another veiled threat! Or maybe Chastain is just seizing the opportunity to speak to her tormentor through the cable box or Internet, begging to stay put. 

"I don’t want to go into space!” she tells Giuliana Rancic or Ryan Seacrest. "I love this planet too much! I love my family, my friends!!!! Please, don’t send me into space!!! Please!"

"Isn't that great!" Giuliana replies, looking into the camera.

Scenario 2. She's already been to space, and she's not that impressed

Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images

Maybe at some point in her life, Jessica got a ticket for a rocket into outer space. And it was…fine. Not Zero Dark Thirty good, but perfectly... fine. And when she's filming five or so movies a year, taking the time to leave the Earth's orbit again just isn't high on her priority list.

"It was OK," Jessica could have said to a relative at Thanksgiving, after returning to Earth.

"Just okay?" they asked, hoping for something more, some wild lunar anecdote or description.

"Yep. It was OK," she said, taking a bite of some pumpkin pie. "So did I tell you that they're releasing three versions of The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby? Three!"

Scenario 3. Anne Hathaway told her space is her thing

Chastain photo: Getty Images
Chastain photo: Getty Images

Maybe one time on the set of Interstellar, Jessica cheerily mentioned to her hairstylist that she always dreamed of going to space. Anne Hathaway, overhearing this quip in the next makeup chair, looked over at Jessica.

"Space is my thing, though," she said, grinning.

She, Jessica, and the makeup artist, and the hairstylist all laughed.

Anne's smile faded as she said, "I'm being serious."

Soon the trailer was silent again, except for the sound of a hair dryer. 

Scenario 4. It's too dark in outer space

She's scared of the dark. Space is dark. Deal breaker for Jessica!

Scenario 5. She's an alien

Chastain photos: Getty Images
Chastain photos: Getty Images

One final, eerie possibility: Jessica actually comes from outer space. She left her home planet and all her family and friend behind because she wanted to be an actress — and on her planet, actresses are fed to voracious plants as tributes. When she was younger, looking up at the stars on her parents’ roof with two of her best alien friends, Jessica would ask, “Do you guys ever dream about getting out of this planet?”

“No,” one friend replied. “Not really,” said the other. "Why would we?"

Then Jessica would be silent. Other nights she’d go up on that roof by herself, staring up at the moon and all the flickering suns, young and dying, and start playing her space harmonica.

Finally she left for Earth, specifically Hollywood, and never looked back. She hid her back tentacles and found a family to live with, to love her, and she has made this planet her own. When she says, "I love this planet so much" and that she would miss her "family" too much, it is like an ice pick through her real alien parents' hearts. Good thing they don't read the New York Post.

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