Here are some revelations from Part Two of the "epic" reunion of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." Taylor Armstrong spent the night looking like the cat who ate the canary, while Adrienne Maloof looked like the cat who killed it. When Lisa Vanderpump says she has your back, she means it, unlike those other traitors. Camille Grammer is not long for this show. Absentee Housewife Kim Richards could care less about the show, though considering how much she was on this season, I guess that's not much of a revelation. Does she still collect a paycheck? And Brandi Glanville is the new Real Housewife to officially love.
Granted, Brandi's not an "official" Housewife, but a "friend" of the Housewives, but no matter. She came to play and if these Housewives don't like it, they can suck it. Andy Cohen, our intrepid guide through this freak show, asked Brandi what was harder to navigate: Beverly Hills on crutches or this pack of hyenas? That folks is what we call a redundant question. Brandi makes no apologies for wearing dental floss on the beach, calling herself a "slut" ("I wish I was [a slut]," the lovelorn Brandi opines) or for telling it like it is. Andy wants to know why Kyle was so catty with Brandi the night of her charity event and she's got no real answer except she was "scared" and "defensive" because Brandi was new to the show. Honey, by the time you get to five seasons of this thing, your head's gonna spin clean off your spine from the revolving door of Housewives, so better get used to it.
Like many, I had a real love/hate thing with Kyle this season (alright, I know it was hate for most of you) and she almost had be back in her corner tonight. While she copped to bringing new meaning to "mean girl" during the Game Night debacle, she played innocent when it came to 'Who's Got Brandi's Crutches?" Kim hid them, so let's blame her, even though Kyle could have told Brandi she knew where they were. Her excuses on that one were flimsier than a paper bag. Or Taylor's waistline. Take your pick.
Lisa was back on the hot seat as Andy wanted to know about that whole Jiggy drinking out of Adrienne's fine china (eww). Hubby Ken got blamed for that one and Adrienne wanted to know if she could bring Jackpot the Crackpot over for a nice long slurp out of Lisa's goblet. Lisa says he'd be welcome, but Adrienne self-righteously declines and Lisa's had just about enough of her former neighbor. Judging by Adrienne's near-permanent look of contempt for Lisa all night, I'd say the feeling is mutual.
The Tale of Taylor and Lisa and How They Got To Be Besties is revisited as the Housewives reveal they were more than a little shocked at the turnaround in their hostile relationship. Lisa maintains it was Taylor's dire situation (read: desperation for her friendship) that turned the tide. Taylor also admits she just didn't get Lisa's humor. Thar ain't no Brits in Oklahoma, ya'll. Coupled with Taylor's crippling insecurities, you had a recipe for disaster. Taylor's main issue seemed to be with "Giggy's" tweets about her, specifically calling her blowfish. Um, as Brandi astutely pointed out, she's referred to herself that way on more than one occasion.
Adrienne's jig seemed to be up as Brandi called her out for, among other things, dogging Lisa out behind her back. Brandi claims Adrienne's staff has blabbed about her dislike of the Brit. Mind you, Adrienne doesn't deny it, but she and Kyle want to know why Brandi would tell Lisa. "We're not friends, clearly," Brandi huffs to Adrienne, claiming she and Lisa have the real deal. "She's only reaching out for one reason," Adrienne smirks, the implication that Lisa wants Brandi to be her ally. Oh, yeah? Well guess what Adrienne - Lisa's never said "anything bad about any of you," Brandi declares. Well that brought the festivities to a screeching halt. Brandi relayed how anytime she's wanted to badmouth the Housewives to Lisa, she's defended each and every one of them. The Kyle/Taylor/Adrienne contingent falls uncomfortably silent, each mentally rewriting their premeditated, venomous blogs where they blame Lisa for everything from world hunger to Carmageddon. Lisa reiterates: if she's got something to say to any of them, "I will say it to your face."
Game Night gets another post-event analysis, as Taylor embarks on a desperate bid to take down Brandi. God love her, but Brandi didn't back down for even a minute. Taylor, doing what she does best, which is stir the pot, took umbrage over Brandi's yelling at the Richards' sisters that she would "kill" them after they kept harassing her (let's be honest - we ALL wanted to kill them that night.) Taylor took Brandi slashing Eddie Cibrian's tires after finding out about the whole LeAnn Rimes debacle as further proof of Brandi's violent tendencies. Brandi pooh-poohs the incident, admitting that "yes…I did slit Eddie's tires," and so what? As she pointed out in her blog, "I was trying to piss him off, not hurt him." Own it, girl! Brandi knocks Taylor for writing a book so soon after Russell's death, feeling she's exploiting the situation. A smug Kyle chimes in her two cents, calling Brandi, "Angry Spice," clearly pleased with her quip.
"What are you?" Brandi spits back, daggers of ice shooting out of her eyes in Kyle's direction.
"I'm just --," Kyle sputters, surprised Brandi pinned her to the mat.
Score one for Angry Spice.
Kim, who's in rehab isn't on the couch, but Andy's not letting an opportunity pass to talk about her issues. He wonders if seeing herself on the show spurred her to seek help. Yeah, well, Kim doesn't watch the show, so no, Kyle reveals. Kyle persuaded Kim to do the show, hoping it would give her something to focus on besides her kids and shiny vibrators masquerading as lip gloss. No such luck, as it probably made things worse.
Pernicious Camille, who transformed herself into Princess Camille this season, thanks The People for showing her the error of her ways. She is the most Hated Housewife No More (I think Teresa Giudice grabbed the title this time around) but now just a "sex-crazed" Housewife. I guess when you go from Frasier to McHottie, it's bound to happen. Andy wants to know who the real Camille is and she says what we saw this season was who she is, blaming her past bad behavior on her loser ex. Ok. But now that she's avoiding drama, she's boring, which is the death knell on a "Real Housewives" show. So long Camille. It was nice knowing you.
We wrap up this installment of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" reunion with Taylor reliving the horror of Russell Armstrong's suicide. Adrienne, who was made privy to Taylor's situation mere months after knowing her, thought the show would give her the financial means to leave. Taylor discloses that Russell's death revealed hidden bank accounts, secret offices in Brazil and a bunch of other things she's afraid to confront. She also tells an incredulous Andy that she wants to believe Russell's death may have been a murder.
Well, on that note, next week, we conclude this goat rodeo with Part Three of the reunion. And on to "The Real Housewives of Orange County!"
Next time, The Unfortunate Dana Wilkey shows up, Kim fesses up and the husbands join the fun.
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